The Outcast Ones Page 16

  Too late, I see I’ve fled into a dead end canyon. Red sandstone walls surround me and the dazzling light is on my back. The C soldier’s steps are so close now that I can hear every move he makes, even the metallic click of his laser gun. He’s been prepared for this for years. They’ve practised it again and again in training. Still I know that not many of them ever really join a mission. If he doesn’t have to look me in the face, it would be easier for him to kill another human being. But that’s not how it’s going to end.

  I swing around and look into the blinding light, at where his head should be. Let him never forget my face.

  The gun is already raised and his finger is on the trigger. But nothing happens. It feels like the seconds are ticking by while my heartbeat thrums wild in my ears. The red dot floats over my left breast. A shot would kill me.

  Suddenly, the red light vanishes and he swings the gun onto his back. Around us, bombs hiss and explode, shots reverberate, and electrical charge crackles.

  He turns his helmet lamp upwards so I can see. His left hand wanders to his helmet and activates the speaker system. “D518?”

  My heart stops. The name is so strange and so familiar at the same time. That’s me. He knows me. But his voice is so distorted that I don’t know him. Most soldiers are male, but I still couldn’t say if this is a man or a woman before me now.

  Before I can answer, a heavy stone hits the Legion soldier in the head. The glass in his helmet is spidered with cracks and I can’t make out his face.

  From the dark hills, a figure comes running. As he approaches, I recognise his wavy hair. It shimmers gold in the light of the electrical bolts and the fires. My relief can’t be expressed.

  Without hesitation, I fall towards Finn and let him take me in his outstretched arms. He hugs me only briefly, then grasps my hand and leads me through the maze of hills. Just to feel his warmth takes away some of my fear and makes me believe we’ll find a way out. Finn never gives up—he’s not about to give up now, either.

  Not knowing is the worst thing about the situation. Shaking, I sit with Finn at the opening of the tent. His arm is around my shoulders. Even though his protective warmth and closeness comfort me, I can’t get the images out of my head. The dead bodies in front of the electric fence, the helpless screaming between the explosions, and the constant buzz of electricity. Slowly, people come back to camp in ones and twos. Most are covered in dust and blood. It’s not easy to say whether it’s their own or someone else’s.

  One of them is Sharon. The skin has burst open on her forehead, but she made it. Strangely, I never doubted she would. She’s like Finn, she’ll always get through, no matter who or what opposes her.

  But we wait in vain for the twins. The closer it gets to morning, the smaller my hope to see them alive. They don’t have Sharon’s courage or Finn’s strong will. Going to see the wall was a big adventure for them. Maybe too big.

  Gustav paces anxiously in front of the tents. He shakes his head as if he can’t believe what we told him. “It wasn’t planned that way,” he says again and again. I don’t know what he means. It’s clear he knows much more than he’s been prepared to admit.

  Just then, Raymond arrives in camp. He’s carrying an unconscious woman, and the sight of her makes everyone fall silent. She must have been very close to the first explosion. The whole right side of her face is burned, and there’s only a big hole where her arm used to be. I don’t know if anyone can survive that kind of injury. In Old Earth times, there were some who made it, but only with advanced medical help, and the rebels don’t have that. They’ve got nothing to offer but a few plasters, gauze bandages and ointments. For this kind of injury they’d need painkillers, and antibiotics to stop it from getting infected. The doctors in the safety zone could surely save her, but they wouldn’t. A woman without her right arm wouldn’t fit into the conformity principles of the Legion. She’d be abnormal, and couldn’t live in our world.

  A single cry breaks into the heavy silence. It comes from the plain and is so full of pain that we all turn our heads in panic. The sorrow is almost palpable. It could be a friend or relative of any of us, so we all start to run as the sun climbs over the horizon.

  I can see two people. One is kneeling, holding the other in his arms, shaking him as if to awaken him.

  In spite of the dust I can see the bright blue and green of their shirts. I run faster. I fall to the ground beside them and don’t want to believe my eyes. I want to close them and hit rewind, like with a film.

  It’s Jep. His eyes stare fixedly into the violet, smoke-filled sky. All life is gone from them, although his body is still warm. He has no scratches, no other wounds, and almost looks unhurt, unlike Pep, who is covered with blood.

  Finn grabs Pep’s shoulders. “What happened?”

  Tears run down Pep’s face, through the dirt and blood. “They shot him.” He can hardly speak, he’s sobbing and shaking so hard. “Shot him in the back.” He looks at his brother’s face, so much like his own. “They didn’t hesitate a moment.”

  We don’t need to ask who “they” are. That much is clear to all. Hardly anyone, maybe no one else at all, was spared like me.

  “We’ve been betrayed!” Sharon yells into the group as she prowls around the bonfire. Of nineteen rebels, six have died and three are so badly hurt that we don’t know if they’ll survive. “It’s not possible for the Legion to get to us so quickly if someone didn’t tell them. One of our people is a damned spy!”

  She turns and stomps towards me. I can see the hate burning in her eyes. I’m not surprised she suspects me. In fact I’m amazed it took her this long.

  I want to answer that I haven’t had any chance to contact the Legion in any way, but Finn beats me to it. “Cleo has nothing to do with this! You’re suspecting the wrong person. We’d be better to look for traitors among our own people.”

  I don’t miss his brief sideways glance at Gustav, who is unusually quiet. Otherwise he’s always a leading speaker in any discussion, but now he sits there as if turned to stone, his face pale, not moving at all.

  Sharon doesn’t look convinced. But she stops accusing me for now.

  Raymond speaks. “We have four to ten people in each of the Legions. How can it be that none of them warned us about this attack?”

  I’m impressed that he’s sticking with the facts in this situation. Unlike Sharon, he seems to have nerves of steel.

  “Maybe they didn’t know. None of them is a Legion commander,” Finn throws in.

  “Or one of them told the commanders,” Sharon continues to complain. She runs a hand over her tightly bound hair. It’s easy to see that she’s close to erupting in anger and despair.

  Finn, on the other hand, is trying to stay calm like Raymond, and knowing his stormy personality, I’m sure it’s not easy for him. “That’s why it’s so important that we get someone into the ranks as a Legion commander. Cleo is the only one who could do it.”

  “Or she’ll tell them everything they didn’t already know. Dammit, she knows where your camp is!”

  Sharon continues to accuse me, but this time I won’t bite my tongue. I have the right to speak, just as much as anyone else here. “Do you really think they don’t already know that? The Legion has you inside an electric wall. They’ve been watching you since long before I was kidnapped.”

  I intentionally use the word “kidnapped” and not “rescued” as Finn did yesterday. My words seem to have an effect, because Sharon falls silent for a moment at least. She creases her brow and presses her lips together as she paces fretfully.

  “Did you know they were watching us?” Raymond asks me, but his voice isn’t accusing like Sharon’s. The question is a neutral one.

  Finn still reacts aggressively. It seems he’s gotten to the end of his tether. His fists crash down on his knees. “She didn’t even know that the rebels existed. She thought she would die of radiation as soon as she left the safety zone. All of you, stop blaming her! The only one with som
ething to hide is Gustav!”

  I didn’t think it was possible, but Gustav turns even paler than he was already. He holds his hands over his stomach as if he’s got cramps he can hardly endure.

  Sharon looks irritated. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “Tell them!” Finn hisses at Gustav, his eyes mere slits.

  “I don’t know what the boy’s talking about,” Gustav says, but his voice is so weak and shaky that he’s almost impossible to understand. He won’t even look anyone in the face.

  “Then I hope you remember right now, or I’ll help you! But believe me, that wouldn’t be in your best interests.” Sharon stands over him. She’s not as tall as Raymond, but her aggressive posture is terrifying enough.

  Gustav gulps and presses his hands even harder into his stomach. “I...I knew about the wall.”

  “How? And since when?”

  “They put it up before I left the Legion with the others. We were never rebels, but the first members of an expedition.” For the first time since I’ve known him, Gustav sounds truly old. He looks tired, exhausted, as if merely remembering is too much for him.

  “Do you have any more details, maybe?” Her tone is sharp.

  “The Legion put up the wall long before that. They had to test if it was even possible to live outside the safety zone. After they succeeded with plants and animals, they asked for volunteers to be human testers. They aren’t watching us. There are no cameras.”

  Sharon shakes her head. Her entire belief in a supposedly decades-old rebellion must be crumbling in this moment.

  Raymond continues the questions. “Why didn’t they remove the walls when they realised everything was okay?”

  “They weren’t sure. The effects of radiation often can’t be seen until decades later.”

  “But now they can be sure! Why don’t they let us go free? Why are they fighting us? Why don’t they want us to know?” Finn yells at Gustav. His parents died fighting the Legion. What for, if all this is only an experiment?

  The old man sighs as he looks at Finn. “I don’t know. I have no contact to them, no matter what you believe. Contact was lost when the last members of my generation were killed by the Legion.

  “They’re afraid to lose control,” I explain. In the safety zone, it was always all about the Legion commanders controlling everything and everyone. Everything would collapse if people learned there was no reason to remain imprisoned.

  Raymond nods. “Yes, I think you’re right. Do you think they would make you a Legion commander when you go back?”

  It’s as if he’s asking me “will they kill you?” I have no answer.

  “She’s too important for them to just kill her. Cleo can answer all their questions. They can use her against us.” Finn’s fist relaxes and he grasps my hand in his. This time, his skin is cold. In his face I read fear and desperation.

  “How do we know they won’t do just that? The Legion can manipulate people without them even noticing. Maybe they’ll brainwash her, or wipe her memories,” Raymond objects, and for some reason it seems as if he’s speaking from experience.

  “Cleo will never forget us, just like I’ll never forget her.” Finn looks me straight in the eyes. “We’re bonded to each other, and no one can take that away. Cleo belongs to me.”

  - -

  13. PROMISES

  Countless stars fill the sky. Some are so big and bright that they seem close enough to touch, and others so tiny that they’re hardly visible. Looking at these myriad dots of light is mind-blowing. They only show their true magnificence when all other lights have gone out. The bonfire has burned low, sending little puffs of smoke skywards as it crackles softly. The camp has grown quiet.

  When we arrived here, the mood was one of euphoric energy. Now we’ve hit rock bottom. People thought they could change things. They thought they only had to shout loud enough and resist the oppression, then everything would turn out for the best. They thought they had a chance. But the Legion proved to us that we’re just one of many tiny lights in the sky, while they’re bright like the moon. If one of the smallest stars disappeared, hardly anyone would notice. It wouldn’t change the world. But if the moon’s light went out, we’d be in the dark.

  All of the rebel groups here, from the north, south, east and west, have lost at least one family member. As darkness fell, the young woman whose arm was blown off also died. That’s when I learned she was Raymond’s wife. Unlike Pep, he didn’t cry or scream. Instead he clenched his hands and there came an expression on his face that scared me, when he was always so peaceful before. I don’t exactly know what it is, but it’s like he’s not the same person any more.

  Grieving is a new feeling for me, like almost everything. Still, I’ve noticed that every person deals with it in their own way. I would have been glad to skip that lesson. In my little world in the safety zone, there was no death, no violence, no grief. There, no one dies unforeseen—rather, they go when it is their time. That’s the normal way of things. We had no personal relationships, so we could never miss anyone. Everyone is equally important to us, but anyone can be replaced. Seeing it this way makes things much easier. Mostly, it takes away the pain.

  Maybe that’s why I can’t cry for Jep. Pep is crying more than enough tears for all of us. Even just a few minutes ago I heard his sobs from inside the tent. Every time I thought he was calming, his cries only became louder and more painful. Even Finn, whose strongest emotion was always anger, cried a few silent tears as he rocked Pep in his arms like a shaking newborn.

  Now it’s strangely quiet. We laid out our sleeping bags in front of the tents, because Pep wanted to be alone and none of us has figured out how to deal with Gustav. I hear Finn breathing in and out beside me, and look in his face. His eyes are open, reflecting the starlight. I can see the trails left by tears on his dirty skin. His lips are cracked. I don’t know what to say. At first the silence was a relief, but now it’s oppressive, so I just start talking and say the first thing that comes into my head. “I wonder why the Legion soldiers stopped attacking us. There’s nowhere we could hide from them.”

  His eye twitches, but that’s the only reaction.

  I go on. “They chased us, but if they really wanted to kill us all, then they would have. Maybe they just wanted to keep us away from the electric fence. Maybe they just wanted to make an example—”

  “Cleo...” Finn interrupts. His voice isn’t angry or arrogant, but rather pleading. He seems weaker and more vulnerable than ever before. “Can we please stop talking about it? For today at least. I don’t want to think about it any more. Too much has happened.”

  If anyone other than Finn had said it, I would understand, and I wouldn’t even be surprised. But it’s so strange to hear it from him. He’s always appeared strong, ready for a fight at any time. Hating the Legion seemed to be keeping him alive. His engine. And now of all times, he’s tired of talking about it. Losing Jep must have hit him harder than I thought.

  Suddenly he sits up, fidgety and twitchy. He runs a hand through his wild hair. Something’s on his mind—maybe he wants to talk about it.

  “What’s up?” I sit beside him, so close that our arms touch. I’m happy to feel his skin is warm again, warmer than mine.

  His left hand rubs at the knuckles of his right. His mouth is tight and his brow is wrinkled like he’s thinking very hard about something. “I was afraid.” His voice is hollow; I can tell he’s not done yet. “Not for me. For you.”

  Our eyes meet. Damp tears make his eyes glitter. He unclasps his cramped hands and reaches for mine. His trembling transfers to me. I press his hand tightly. For the first time, I feel stronger than him, but only because his words give me strength. Before I met Finn, I knew no fear and no love. Maybe only lovers can be afraid—because only lovers can lose someone. The thought of losing Finn almost breaks my heart.

  “If you were gone...” He pauses, as if to search for the right words, and squeezes my hand so hard that it almost hurts
. His face looks desperate. I hang on his every word and can hardly wait to hear what he’ll say next. I long to be close to him, so much that I’d like to lean in against him. I want to feel his warm skin on mine and I want to bury my face in the curve of his neck. I want his unmistakable scent of sun and earth to fill my lungs and I want his hair to tickle my face.

  “I’m going to miss you.”

  There’s so much pain in those words, and yet so much truth. Our goodbye is incredibly soon, so close I can almost touch it. Our days are numbered. We may not have understood each other immediately, but our connection is even stronger for it now. It’s as if our hearts beat in the same rhythm, although we’re as different as can be. Origin doesn’t matter, belief doesn’t matter, if our hearts belong together.

  Finn is so close that our noses touch. They meet like a gentle embrace. His breath passes my cheek and my whole body tingles. His firm grip loosens, and his thumb strokes the back of my hand. Although I’ve never been so close to anyone, never mind kissed anyone, instinct tells me that now is the moment for it to happen. My heart beats wildly in my chest, so hard that Finn must be able to hear it. We come even closer.

  His hand strokes my cheek, then he turns away. I am left facing his left ear, as if it’s a wall I can’t pass. Cold air blows over my hot face and for a moment I can’t breathe. Was I wrong? Don’t we both want this, or was it just me who wanted more?

  Finn stares straight ahead and clears his throat. “We should go to sleep. Tomorrow we have to drive all that way back to the caves. I need my rest.”

  As if in a spasm, he lies down and turns his back to me. Although he said I mean something to him and he’s going to miss me, now I feel hurt and humiliated. I’m more angry with myself for being so stupid. I should have been happy with what I had instead of wanting more and more. Once, I just wanted Finn to leave me alone—now I expect him to kiss me. Why do I have to make it even harder than it is already? Soon I’ll be back in the safety zone and I might never see Finn again. A kiss from him would be one more painful memory of a life that isn’t mine.