The Outcast Ones Page 18

  If I were to tell her that I’m so scared I can’t sleep, and it’s breaking my heart to have to leave Iris and Finn and everyone, would she ask me to stay? But I’ve made my own decision to go. I’ll be brave. “I’m scared it won’t go as we’ve planned.” Just a different way to say I’m scared the Legion will kill me.

  Marie nods. “You’re really very brave. I know you’ll make it. All of us believe in you.”

  Marie is Gustav’s wife. She must have known about the electric fence. If I look at it like that, she’s been lying to everyone all these years as well. But I can’t be angry at her. She really seems to want me to succeed.

  “Why now? You both knew about the wall all along, and you didn’t care. Why do you want to be free now?”

  “You’re still asking that question? That Legion has changed so much from what it used to be. There used to be a sort of democracy. We were allowed to make our own decisions. There was no brainwashing and no oppression. Those people, if we can even call them that any more, have hurt my family—they killed Jep, and Finn’s parents Maggie and Ned before that. They were like children to me. They took Emily’s father Rick from her. We don’t belong to them any more—we haven’t for a long time.”

  Gustav nods and his eyes plead with me. “At some point we just didn’t know how to tell the others. Right after Maggie, Ned and Rick died, we would have looked like traitors, although we had nothing to do with it. We didn’t know they had planned to attack us.”

  “Why did they attack you?”

  “It was a long time before I found out myself. It was because of Finn. He had discovered the electric fence.”

  It hits me hard. Finn’s parents were killed and his sister kidnapped, just because he saw something they thought he shouldn’t be allowed to see. He must have felt so guilty.

  Slowly I begin to understand Gustav. He loves his family and I can’t judge him for a decision he made long before my birth. Aside from that...if they had offered me the chance to leave the safety zone and live under the open sky, but limited by electric fences, I would have thought it was heaven on earth—and many would agree. Electric fences wouldn’t have mattered to us. Better invisible walls than steel walls.

  “I’m sorry, Cleo, we should have been honest with you. It wouldn’t be fair to send you back to the Legion without knowing everything.” Gustav’s blue eyes, very like the Legion’s blue, seek to meet my gaze.

  I see his sagging eyelids and the shadows under his eyes. “It’s okay.”

  “We’re really proud of you.” He lays a hand on mine.

  Marie grasps my other hand. “There’s someone in the safety zone who will introduce himself as soon as he sees you there. He’s one of our people. You must be honest with him, so he can tell us you’re doing all right.”

  “What’s his designation?”

  “We can’t tell you. We don’t know how far the Legion has gotten with their brain research. They might find out his number without you wanting them to. We can’t risk betraying him.”

  “But then how will I know him?”

  “Oh, you will, believe me. Soon you’ll recognise all the rebels in the Legion. They’re different. The commanders don’t notice it, but you will see it.”

  It’s hard for me to believe them, because for me, all people everywhere are basically the same, whether here or there, the same as always. I share that view with the Legion. But being the same doesn’t mean that everyone has to look the same or even think the same. To me, people are only the same in their hearts. That’s what makes us human: the ability to love.

  When I leave the room with Marie and Gustav and go outside to the others, dusk is already falling. This day has gone by so fast, much faster than I like. I didn’t spend any of my last few hours with Iris or Finn. Although I regret that, I know I’d do the same thing again. I can hardly look them in the eye without starting to cry. I don’t want them to remember me like that.

  Finn approaches and pauses in front of me for a moment, smiling. His eyes slide from my face and down the blue dress. Embarrassed, I look to the ground. “Just this once,” I protest quietly.

  “That’s a shame, it’s beautiful for just once,” he whispers back. I lift my head and look at him. There’s a white flower in his hands, with curved petals that remind me of a flying bird. He places it behind my ear. My skin glows as his fingers stroke my face.

  He offers his hand and pulls me to a place around the fire, beside Iris. She looks lost in thought, her fingers running through Dumbo’s fur as he curls on her lap. She smiles when she sees us. “You’re so beautiful, like a princess!”

  “Thank you.”

  “But if you keep that dress on when we go back to the safety zone, they’ll hardly know you.”

  “Don’t worry, I won’t wear this. It would be a waste of the nice dress.”

  “No, it’s sad for us. Isn’t there a souvenir we could take with us—something small?” There’s a tremor in her voice and she’s near tears.

  “I’m sorry, but we can’t. The Legion would find it, whatever it is. They would take it away.”

  “And what about Dumbo?” A big tear spills from her eye, rolls down her cheek, and falls on the fox’s red fur. He looks up, surprised, and whines when he senses the mood Iris is in.

  “He has to stay here. No animals are allowed in the safety zone.”

  “But he’ll miss me...” Iris is sobbing now, and buries her face in his fur. “What if I forget him?”

  “You won’t. Not ever.”

  “It would be so nice if I could take something with me, to remind me of him forever.”

  I understand her completely. I feel just the same way.

  Finn bends down to her. “You don’t need anything to remember. Just your head is enough.” He grins and taps her forehead with his finger. “All your lovely memories are saved in there and no one can take them away. When you miss Dumbo, all you need to do is close your eyes and you’ll see him. All the things you’ve done with him, you can watch them again and again like a movie. He’ll always be with you, no matter how many miles are between you.”

  I gulp down the lump in my throat. His words are so beautiful, yet they make me sad too. I know he’s not talking about Dumbo, but about his parents. He’s lost them forever and memories are all that he’s got left. Compared with that, it’s easier if you never had parents at all.

  Tonight the meat tastes especially good, and the wine is sweeter than I remember. A gentle wind rouses the bonfire’s flames while its crackling mingles with the roar in the pines. Even Pep came to spend the evening with me. Although he doesn’t say a word to me or anyone else, I value his gift. He sits apart from the others. Normally he and Jep would have made music to cheer the party. But Pep is in no state to even look at his guitar, never mind play it.

  Instead, Gustav has brought out an old device he calls a gramophone. It has a big horn and a sort of box with a crank handle. If you turn it, music comes out. It’s loud and it crackles almost as much as the fire, but it’s full of the magic of times gone by. It’s like a miracle to see the machine and hear its wonderful sound.

  Suddenly Finn stands and offers me his hand. “May I have this dance, noble lady?”

  Before I can say no or anything else, Iris hoots loudly. “Say yes! Say yes!”

  Shyly I take his hand and let him draw me some distance away from the fire. He lays one hand on my hip, and grasps my fingers in the other.

  “I’ve never danced!” I don’t even know how to move.

  “Shall I tell you a secret? Me neither!” he whispers, making me giggle. Clumsy, we rock from one foot to the other. The music softens the background and I can only think about his hand on my back. It’s so warm, and a warm tingle spreads from the place where it rests. Finn raises his hand and I spin under it. All this—it’s like a dream, too lovely to be true. I rest my head on his shoulder, wanting to stay in this moment forever. I hope it’s really true, what he said, so that I can see all this when I close my eyes b
ack in the safety zone.

  When the others have stopped watching us, Finn takes my hand and pulls me into the caves. He hands me a bag. “Get changed.”

  I look inside it and freeze. It’s my old suit from the safety zone. In the dark, the brown almost looks black, but I recognise it from all the stains and rips. “You kept it?”

  “I always knew you wouldn’t stay forever. It was never planned that way.”

  Of course not. But it hurts to hear him say it again. Once more I feel the cold radiating from him. Although I’m going to do exactly what the rebels ask, I’ve had enough of other people planning my life for me and making all my decisions. No matter whether it’s Legion commanders or the rebels. If we’re honest, I never had a choice here either. They’d be so disappointed if I refused to go back to the safety zone. They keep saying I’m their only hope. How could I refuse?

  Without a word I withdraw into another cave, although it’s so dark that Finn probably wouldn’t see me at all. Who knows if he’d even look?

  Why are my old doubts coming back now of all times, just before I leave? Why does he have to treat me like a leper again, now of all times? As if I meant nothing to him. He’s ruining everything. I so wanted to have our dance as my last memory of him. Instead, now I’ll always have to think of his emotionless last words to me.

  I can hardly fit in the skin-tight suit. It seems I’ve really put on some weight. Good thing the fabric is elastic, stretching more as I force myself inside. It almost feels like putting on a stranger’s skin.

  Maybe I should forget about Cleo and just become D518 again. She never had her heart broken by a man. But my heart wildly resists that idea. Just the thought of forgetting Finn brings indescribable pain. In spite of my hurt feelings, I wouldn’t have missed being with him for anything. It was the best time of my life.

  As I step into my boots, Finn’s white flower floats to the ground. I pick it up and spin it once more in my fingers. I’d like to take it with me, a souvenir like Iris said. Instead, I lay it on the bed. It’s Finn’s room.

  Finn is already waiting in front of the caves with a lamp. He’s watching the others at the fire. Emily and Iris have both fallen asleep, leaning on Grace. Pep has disappeared, and Florence’s face is pressed against Paul. Her shoulders shake; she’s crying again. It’s time to go.

  It’s a silent march through the red desert that has become my home. Finn’s pace is fast, as if he can hardly wait to get rid of me. He pulls me behind him like a prisoner. His skin isn’t pleasantly warm any more—it’s ice cold. He only stops when we reach the hills that hide the Legion’s brightly-lit glass building. I can already see the bluish glow. So that’s it then.

  I look up at him and hope for a last sign of feeling. A tiny sign that I mean something to him, that I’m not without value. But he can’t even look me in the eyes. His mouth is clamped tightly closed and his fists are clenched. My throat constricts and tears well up in my eyes. I don’t want to go like this. It’s not right. I know there was something between us. Something special. Why can’t he show it?

  I bite my lip to stop the crying. It’s useless. The tears already roll down my cheeks and I can’t do a thing about it. I sniff and wipe my eyes as if a grain of sand had flown into it.

  “Please, take care of Iris.” My voice breaks. It’s all I can think to say to Finn.

  He nods without looking at me. I can’t believe this is supposed to be the end. Any other farewell would have more feeling. Why’s he like this? I just don’t get it. I set one clumsy foot in front of the other and begin to climb the hill. I can feel Finn behind me—he’s not moving. As if turned to stone, he’s just standing there, quaking. He doesn’t lift his head, but doesn’t turn to go, either.

  “Finn?“ No reaction. “Take care of yourself.”

  I think I see a jolt run through his body, but that’s all, so I’ll be brave and walk on. Maybe it’s easier for him this way. I don’t want to make it harder for him than it has to be, even if it hurts me more. I would have liked a hug or at least a nice word or two. He once spoke of sharing a future with me. Empty words? Did all that mean nothing to him?

  “Cleo?”

  Hope sparks in me as I spin to face him. He stares at the ground. “I’m not a wanderer any more.”

  I take a step towards him, but in that moment he raises his head and his tears glitter in the moonlight. My heart clenches.

  “I was too dumb to realise that you were what I was looking for the whole time. Now that I’ve found you, I don’t want to let you go.”

  Like magnets, we close the distance between us. I’m the one falling into his arms, but he’s the one clinging to me. He’s shaking all over and his tears mingle with mine. “Come back. I beg of you, come back,” he pleads in my ear. All I can do is nod. This is the farewell I wanted, even though it hurts.

  We disentangle ourselves and our gazes lock one more time. I’ll never forget the storm in his eyes: wild and untamed like the sea.

  “Don’t forget me.”

  He shakes his head vehemently. “Never.”

  With a heavy heart I turn. I’m ready to go. Those were the words I needed. Now I’m strong enough to face the Legion. I will fight. I will fight for Finn and for our love.

  Suddenly the sand slides out from under my feet and Finn is standing right behind me. He looks determined. “Maybe you’re able to hold back your feelings, but I can’t, and I won’t.”

  He presses his lips to mine. They are both hard and soft; I taste a hint of cinnamon and the salt of his tears. Even at night I still smell the sun on his skin. His hair fans around both sides of my face. Inside, I’m exploding. I want to cry, scream and laugh all at the same time.

  The kiss is so short, and over so quickly, but it leaves me breathless. Finn leaves. He runs. Sprints into the desert without turning back. He doesn’t need to. I know everything I have to know. My fingertips probe my lips, where his touched me just seconds ago. I close my eyes and feel the kiss again. It’s working.

  I wait until Finn and his lamp are out of sight before I turn towards the Legion again. This time I run, just like Finn. When you’re running, there’s less chance you might turn around. Nothing can stop you.

  I almost stumble down the hill, now closer to the glowing sphere than ever before. We never talked about where exactly I should go, or how I should get inside. We always assumed there would be guards around the Legion. But there are no guards here. Just the big Jeeps and the aircraft standing around the building. I run around the sphere, looking for an entrance. There’s nothing. No door I could knock at, no curtain I could push through. When I’ve gone all the way around once, I start to shout. “Help!”

  My voice echoes through the darkness. It sounds so quiet and small, when I look up at the gigantic blue globe where the Legion commanders live. Can’t anyone see me? The building is completely made of glass, after all.

  I wave my hands and jump up and down. “Help!” I continue to shout. But nothing happens. They don’t want me. I’m insignificant, not even dangerous enough to shoot.

  I slump to the ground. I should be happy. If the Legion doesn’t want me, I can just go back to the rebels. Finn and I could be together. But that’s not what we wanted. We want to live in freedom, we want to have a future. That can’t happen as long as the Legion controls us. To the rebels, I was their hope. How can I go back and tell them their plan has failed? They’ll be so disappointed.

  Suddenly a dazzling light blinds me. I flinch and squeeze my eyes shut; then realise I can’t breathe, there’s no air. It’s as if someone is pressing on my throat, but there’s no one there. I try to see, but the light is so bright that it’s impossible. Even trying hurts my eyes. I try to stand up but my legs are like pudding and I fall back to the ground. I gasp for air like a fish on the shore. Stay calm, I tell myself, but that’s easier said than done when you can’t breathe.

  “Help!” I force the word out, so quietly that I hardly hear it myself. What’s the Legion doing to me
? Is this how they kill people?

  My consciousness is slipping away. It’s as if I’m falling into a deep, dark hole. I claw at the ground but I can’t hold on much longer. The pull is too strong. Finn? Finn, help me!

  To be continued...

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  Did you enjoy Radioactive: The Outcast Ones? I would be very happy about a review.

  As an indie author I depend on honest opinions from my readers, because that’s the only way my books can be better known and improve in quality. I don’t have a publisher to run big advertising campaigns for me. So I would also be very happy to hear from you on Facebook or Twitter or at my blog www.mayashepherd.blogspot.de. I’ll be posting there anytime there’s news about me and my books.

  Thanks for reading!

  Yours sincerely,

  Maya Shepherd

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  ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

  Thanks to Sabrina Stocker, who comes first because she supported me more than anyone, just like she did with my first book. She’s my muse—I couldn’t do it without her.

  Thanks also to Mr. Boensch, whose amazing politics class inspired me to write Radioactive. That was the first time in my educational career that I found politics interesting.

  Thanks to Martina Zeinert for her magnificent editing. We’re an awesome team! Finding her was a highlight of 2012 for me. I look forward to working together again in future.

  Thanks to Anika Welter and Sabrina Keim for their encouraging words and their firm belief in me and my talent. With friends like this, who needs wings to fly?

  Lastly and most importantly, thanks to my fiancé Robert. He gives me the strength to believe in myself and never give up.

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