The Outcast Ones Read online

  I slip on my boots and hurry through the corridor with all the sleeping chambers along it. From the next to last, soft candlelight flickers on the walls. It’s Paul and Florence’s room. As I pass it, I hear a gentle bell-like giggle from Florence, mingled with Paul’s laughter. They really did make up.

  At the cave entrance, Finn is already waiting for me. His honey-coloured hair glows in contrast to his black clothes.

  “They’re getting along again! Is that what you wanted to show me?”

  His brow creases. “Is that so important to you that you would want me to wake you in the night to see it?”

  Although any of the rebels show more emotions in five minutes than anyone in the safety zone in a whole week, Finn sometimes seems very cold to me. Paul is his friend and yet he doesn’t seem interested. Why can’t he be happy for him?

  “I’m glad,” I insist, and jut my chin out.

  Finn grins. “You’re almost behaving like Zoe. No wonder you got along from the start. She always wanted a friend.”

  My anger disappears immediately. I’m honoured that I remind him of his sister whom he misses so much. She would never have let him shout at her or insult her as he did to me for so long.

  “What did you want to show me?”

  Instead of answering, he offers me his right hand. Uncertain, I examine his face again. He nods. He means it, and he’s serious.

  As I rest my hand in his warm palm, a tingle runs through my whole body. His skin is rough and covered in callouses, while mine is soft, but pale and sweaty. It doesn’t bother him. His fingers tighten around mine.

  Together, we leave the caves behind and walk towards the desert in the glow of a hand lamp. To me it seems aimless, but I can tell from Finn’s face that he knows exactly where he’s going. Soon the lights from the caves are only little dots on the horizon and red sand surrounds us as far as the eye can see. The stars over our heads makes me stop and stare again and again. They are more than I ever imagined possible. Out here there’s nothing to distract from them, so they shine even brighter. Among their splendour, the crescent moon is enthroned.

  Finn bestows a small smile on me and pulls me onwards. Of course this would be the ideal place to get rid of me, but I can’t imagine he would do that—not while his warm hand encloses mine. Somehow I feel safe with him, although he’s the one I should fear. No one has ever hurt me or insulted me as much as he has, and yet he gives me a feeling of safety. Is this how Zoe felt, when she was with him? It must be awful for her to be apart from him for so long. Except that unlike him, she can’t tell anyone about it. She must keep all the pain and the longing hidden inside her every day. She can’t even cry to give her heart some relief.

  The landscape starts to change. Where there were only sandy plains, now hills and mountains rise before us. The ground becomes hard and stony. But Finn doesn’t lose his way for a moment. He must have come this way many times, this path that only he can see. I wonder how many girls he’s led by the hand through the night? It can’t be many, because there’s hardly anyone my age with the rebels except for Florence. Maybe that wasn’t always the case.

  Now we’re crawling up a mountain on hands and knees. Little stones come loose and rattle away under my feet as I try not to lose my balance. Finn is never far away. I know he would be much faster without me, but whenever the distance between us gets too far, he waits for me, head raised. Unlike me, he doesn’t find it hard to climb the slope. It seems like he always knows the best place to put his feet without wobbling.

  Suddenly he stops again and a bright light shines around his silhouette. It seems to come from the depths of the mountains. Almost reverently I crawl up beside him and look down into the valley.

  Brilliant white light radiates from a huge building. It’s shaped like a sphere, with no corners or edges. A gigantic, shining ball floating above the ground. Only a narrow tube connects it to the earth. Around the building are various kinds of machines. Some have wheels, some are barely the size of a wheelbarrow, others remind me of aircraft from the days of Old Earth.

  “That’s the Legion.”

  He wouldn’t have had to tell me—I would have known. Nothing and no one except the Legion could have so much technology. But I wonder where the actual safety zone could be hiding in all of this. There was no light there, just the fake pictures in the Atrium and the light panels in the ceiling that regulate night and day.

  Finn reads my thoughts and answers already. “Do you see that tube going into the ground? There, under the earth, that’s where your safety zone is. Your Legion commanders have glass windows to overlook all the land, but they keep you as prisoners without light.”

  I can hear clearly how he despises them, but for the first time I can’t really blame him. Quite the opposite. I feel the anger in my gut. Every day in the safety zone I longed to see the sky, the stars, or living plants. I was always so thankful for the pictures in the Atrium. But now that I know the Legion commanders’ elevator leads straight to the light that they have kept from us every single day for so many years...I just feel betrayed. Why do they lock us up underground while they can open their windows wide and fill their lungs with fresh air? Why didn’t they share that with us? Why did they lie?

  Tears spring into my eyes. I never wanted to hate the Legion, never wanted to forget that we might not have survived without them. The safety zone was the only home I ever knew, but I hate the thought of letting them lock me away down there again. How can I ever look at a Legion commander with respect again, without screaming their lies in their faces?

  Finn lays an arm around my shoulders to comfort me. When I lift my head to look in his eyes, I see them full of tears just like mine. “Do you understand me now?” His voice breaks and he presses his lips together.

  I nod silently as a single tear makes its way down his cheek. He doesn’t wipe it away, and he’s not ashamed of it. He is dignified as he raises his head to look down on the lighted ball of the Legion, his face full of anger and disgust.

  “Why did the Legion never tell us about the rebels?”

  “You might have decided to leave and live in freedom.”

  I wonder if that would really happen. Everyone in the safety zone is afraid of living outside the protection of the Legion. Even the radiation in the air frightened us so much that we would never have left voluntarily. But that’s just another lie. I’ve breathed this air for weeks now and have never had trouble breathing, or suffered from vomiting or any other effects of poisoning.

  “In freedom, maybe, but in constant fear.” I well remember how terrified I was of Finn and his tempers. Seeing that just once would have been enough to make me decide to live in the safety zone instead of being exposed to his aggression.

  “Is it better to be a prisoner, but safe?” he mocks me, without understanding at all. I can hear his anger. He wouldn’t want to hear my answer, but I won’t agree with him completely. He’s the one who always accused me of being a robot with no feelings or opinions. That’s not true, and it’s not true of anyone in the safety zone. I’ll prove it to him and he’ll have to learn to live with the fact that not everyone shares his opinion. Nothing is as easy as he imagines. People aren’t stupid just because they’re afraid. Not everyone was born in freedom like him.

  “I don’t know. I had no choice in the matter. The Legion never asked me what I wanted, but then, neither did any of you.”

  Speechless he stares at me. How can I dare to compare the rebels with the Legion? I almost expect him to throw a tantrum and walk off without me. Anyway, I don’t know why he showed me the Legion. A move to get me on his side?

  But I am astonished when his shoulders droop. He doesn’t explode. He seems broken, shattered almost. Have I hurt him with what I said? I didn’t mean it.

  “I brought you here because I trust you.” He looks me right in the eyes and his words touch my heart. I would never have expected to gain his trust, especially not in such a short time. Only a few days have passed since we sta
rted our truce. He goes on. “I know you wouldn’t just run off and betray us.”

  I’m so relieved to hear him say that. It feels like a weight off my shoulders. All the stress, all the fear of these past weeks fall from me like boulders. Finally I feel I can be myself. I don’t have to prove anything to anyone. Finn accepts me—no, it’s more than that—he trusts me.

  I want to tell him what it means to me, but I have no words to express my gratitude, so I react in a way that will probably surprise him more. Carefully, hesitantly, I place my arms around his neck and lean my face into his shoulder. I inhale his delicate essence of summer rain, mist and moss. The scent reminds me again and again of the night I fled through the forest. I was so afraid, felt so lost, but warmth fills me when I think of how I looked into his eyes after he threw me to the ground. His whole face was screaming hate and contempt, and yet to see it was calming for me.

  Slowly we step away from each other. He speaks. “Maybe someday, people will have a choice. We want them to have a choice, and we’re not the only ones.”

  “How do you mean?”

  “There are as many rebels as there are Legions and safety zones. It’s human nature to resist injustice. Rebels are everywhere. Not only in our caves, but also in other places.”

  “How do you know all this? How do you keep contact with the other rebels?”

  “There’s a black market. We meet there with other free people and organise the resistance.”

  “The Legion commanders always told us we were the last survivors. Don’t they have contact to the other Legions?” Instead of answering, Finn only raises his left eyebrow. I lift my hands. Another lie. “Okay, got it. So...the Legion has laser weapons, airships and vehicles. How do you want to make headway against them?”

  “Even the greatest goals start with just one step.” Finn takes my hand again. I like it when he touches me. “I want you to be there the next time we meet the others. You should be well prepared when you go back to the Legion.”

  He’s looking deep into my eyes, his features lit by moonlight and starlight, but his words are like a slap in the face. They pull me back into reality: it’s not about me. He doesn’t want me on his side, he only cares about the success of the mission. I’m a project for him. Just another rebel spy.

  “We’re putting all our faith in you. You are the key to our hope.”

  His words sound so kind, but they don’t reach to my soul. He’s just using polite clichés to send me to a place where I might die. I wish he would ask me not to go back. I wish he would ask me to stay with him.

  - -

  12. THE BLACK MARKET

  Heavy grey clouds hang in the sky. The air is filled with the unmistakable smell of rain. I can already hear the rumbling of a storm on its way. But no one except me seems to notice or be bothered by it. Last night they began preparations for the “big day” and continued before dawn today.

  While the twins see the trip to the black market as something fun, Finn is a nervous wreck. He’s more irritable than usual and growls at anyone who stands in his way or asks him a question he doesn’t know the answer to.

  Gustav is leading the expedition, and he is calm personified. He whistles in between sips of freshly brewed peppermint tea, as if this day were no different to any other.

  As for me, I have mixed feelings about going. On the one hand I can hardly wait to learn more and come a little closer to the truth. On the other side, visiting the black market signifies my departure. The rebels are going there not only to exchange goods, but also to plan my mission in the Legion. As soon as that’s settled, there’s no reason for me to stay here any longer. Months ago, I longed to return to the safety zone—so much that it almost hurt physically. Now I feel a strange emptiness at the thought. The Legion commanders have lied to me all my life. How should I ever respect them again? How can I go back to a place that was my home, and help destroy it? The Legion never gave us a choice, but the rebels don’t intend to give the residents in the safety zone a choice, either. Maybe not all of them would choose to live under the open sky, without leaders.

  Sometimes my doubts are so strong that I lie awake at night and throw myself from one side of the bed to the other. The worst thing is that I can’t talk to anyone about it. Iris can’t be told about any of this, and the rebels won’t understand me, Finn least of all. Resisting the Legion is everything they believe in, everything they’re fighting for. How can I disappoint them by saying I don’t share their belief?

  A shrill whistle draws my attention. Finn stands in the centre of the room, feet set wide, fists on hips. If I didn’t know him, I’d think his stance was pretentious and overbearing. But after all this time I can interpret his feelings and perceive his hands trembling as he bounces slightly from one foot to the other. The strength he tries to show is nothing more than a façade to hide his fear. The whistle hangs on a string around his neck, but he’s not the one who speaks.

  Gustav stands from his chair and strolls to Finn’s side, the teacup still in his hand. “My dear family, the vehicle is packed and the journey can begin. It won’t be a long goodbye—we’ll be back together in just a few days with lots of news.”

  Not everyone is going to the black market. Paul and Florence are staying here to make sure the caves are safe. The same goes for Grace and Marie, who will take care of Emily and Iris.

  Silence falls over the gathering. Everyone knows it’s a journey into the unknown. There will be hundreds of miles between us, and many dangers too. It could be the last time we see each other.

  Florence hugs both Jep and Pep at once. Paul gives Finn a friendly clap on the shoulder. Without hesitation, Iris presses against me and tightens her skinny arms around me. Dumbo capers around us and starts to whine.

  Tears glitter in her eyes as she raises her face to me. “You’ll come back, won’t you?”

  I nod as a big lump forms in my throat. Even if I come back, I’ll have to leave again soon after. Will it be just as bad? Will she cry because of me? Who will share the bed with her at night when I’m gone, who will wake her from nightmares, who will comfort her when she’s sad?

  Thankfully, Grace approaches at that moment and puts an arm around Iris, then cups my face with her hand. “You take care of yourself. Iris and Dumbo can sleep in our room while you’re gone.”

  Although Iris smiles bravely, I know she needs to get away from Grace sometimes. She finds it hard to witness the closeness between Emily and her mother. It makes her even more conscious of what she will never have. Iris is happy to dismiss it, but sometimes it’s not easy for her to deal with the loss of all the things the Legion took from her. First on that list: her mother.

  In front of the caves, under nearby trees, is a large all-terrain vehicle. It must have been hidden in one of the caves somewhere. Its bed is packed full and covered with a grey tarpaulin. As well as food, sleeping bags and medicine, we’ve got several canisters of fuel as well as some weapons “for defence”. Without dallying, Finn climbs into the driver’s seat. Jep and Pep take the back seat.

  Perplexed, I stand in front of the Jeep. Although I’m not chained and I can move freely, I feel more of a prisoner than ever. The rebels made the decision for me. It’s their decision to take me with them to the black market. It’s a sign of great trust, because anything I hear there could be used against them by the Legion. Despite this trust, I don’t feel like I belong—instead, I feel cornered and pressured. They have expectations for me, without me knowing if I’m willing or even able to fulfil.

  “Will you sit beside me?” Finn slaps the passenger seat beside him. “I’m sure Gustav will just go to sleep in a minute, and I hate that when I’m driving.”

  Of course I would prefer it if he’d say he WANTS me beside him, but I guess that’s too much to expect. I grab the edge of the seat and pull myself up.

  There’s grumbling from behind. “Great, now Finn’s stolen the lady. We get to sit next to Grandpa Gustav. I hope he leaves his shoes on this time at least,�
�� Pep complains.

  Jep fans his face with his hand. “Last time, he stunk out the whole cabin.”

  “I had to put a clip on my nose so I wouldn’t faint,” jokes Finn. Their natural manner makes me smile too. Some of the tension falls from my shoulders.

  Finn holds out a round object towards me. Curious, I take it and lay it in my palm. A flap on the gold-coloured case opens to reveal a face similar to a clock.

  “That’s a compass. We’ll need it to stay on the right track,” Finn explains. He points to the ornate letter E on the edge. “That’s where we’re going. East, where the sun rises.”

  “That sounds hopeful.”

  A hesitant smile flashes across Finn’s face and goosebumps run along my skin, so that the hairs on my arms stand up. I look at him, eyes wide. It’s as if time stands still around us, and everything else as well, as if the world were frozen. I can hardly breathe, I’m so trapped in Finn’s intense gaze. I can’t feel any hate from him, not even a trace of anger. He makes me feel needed, but more than that: I feel welcome. The way he looks at me—only closely connected people do that. It’s the same look Gustav wore the first time I saw him with Marie.

  But the magic vanishes as quickly as it came. There’s loud throat-clearing from the back seat. “Uh, could you two maybe save the flirting for tonight?”

  “No, don’t say that, we still have to share the tent with them.”

  I look away quickly as my cheeks glow red with shame. How does he always manage to turn my brain into thick pudding? Why do I behave like a total idiot when he’s nearby? They probably all think there’s something wrong with me. I’m surprised I haven’t started to drool in his presence.

  To my relief, Gustav finally climbs aboard and slams his door. Finn starts the engine, and our journey begins.

  We’ve been travelling for many hours now, but the view hardly changes. We are surrounded by red sand as far as we can see. To begin with, I couldn’t understand how Finn finds his way in this wilderness, but then he pointed out the weathered, barely visible wooden posts set every few miles towards the east.