Radioactive Read online

  Without looking, I confirm the computer’s selections. The system does not make mistakes so it is useless to even try looking for one.

  After my shift in the food allocation division, I walk through the atrium with its colorful images. Today they show a forest with birds in the branches of trees and deer that peep out here and there behind a tree. Previously, these images impressed me and I would have stopped to admire them. But I have seen a real forest with my own eyes. The pictures in the atrium are just images. No image can evoke the emotions of that overwhelming reality. They are just images. The smell of moss or dirt does not exist in images. Nor does the wind that blows through the leaves or the crunch every step makes. That’s why I do not stop. I am not impressed. So today I sit alone in my cell. The whole safety zone is nothing more than a prison. There are no windows or doors that could be opened without an order from the Legion commander.

  While others scurry past me, I look for a familiar face. If I cannot find Zoe, then perhaps I can at least find C515. It would be comforting to see something like recognition in his eyes. I cannot recognize him among the few fighters I have seen. When will the spy the rebels told me about contact me? I had always assumed that he must belong to the C Class. But even if I do find that person, what do I tell him? How will the rebels react when they hear I was not made a Legion commander and that Zoe has disappeared? How will Finn react? Will he try to do something stupid and storm the building alone?

  Or perhaps that is the reason I have not been contacted? Did he consider my mission a failure already and decided not to make himself known? Do the rebels think I have become useless to their cause?

  Back in my room, I lay down on the bed. I know I will have to put my suit in the laundry and put on my nightgown, but I lack the strength. I have not worked hard, as I had with the rebels. I feel as though I have done nothing all day, yet still feel tired. I just do not know what to do now. I had firmly resolved to adapt myself back to Legion life because there was a goal worth fighting for. The Legion commanders should thank that the rebels mean nothing. The Legion should believe that I am one of them. But I am just as useless to the Legion as I am to the rebels. No one needs me. Why should I be here any longer? Should I continue to maintain this façade?

  I can feel the hot tears trickle down my cheeks. My gaze slides to the camera in the right corner of my cell. Tears are prohibited. But what do I want to happen? How can they punish me more? Even if they torture me, I would at least feel as though I am suffering for something worth fighting for. I could do something honorable, but to put me back into my old life and act as though nothing ever happened, that is the worst thing they could do to me. Therefore, I do not care who sees my tears.

  The days pass me by without anything changing. Whether I want to or not, I begin adapting to this life. I am doing exactly what the Legion expects of me more than ever. I fulfill my duties without thinking about its meaning. I urge back every emergence of feelings. They only make me weak. Emotions have no place in this world. Emotions are something for those who can afford to have hopes and dreams. A prospect for change, but I know there will be none for me. Cleo is as good as dead. Her life light flickers faintly like the flame of a dying candle. She lives by memories that become weaker by the day. Thanks to the sensors in my bed even my nights are dreamless. The only moment when I admit to myself some weakness is before going to sleep. In the dark of night the desire comes on so strongly that I cannot defend myself against the tears. They glide silently down my face. Often I do not know why I am crying. For Iris? For Finn? For the rebels? Or maybe for the whole world? I loathe my tears because they are useless. Even if I could cry a real ocean, they would not change anything.

  On this day I am scheduled for the night shift. Without stopping to waste a look at the false images, I rush to the food allocation department. But once I enter the hall, a person from behind grabs me and cups his hand over my mouth. I freeze and hold my breath. Only now I think back to the rebel’s contact. Has he not given up on me?

  The stranger pulls me into a dark corner of the hallway where the cameras cannot see us. The hand breaks away from my mouth and I turn around expectantly. The sight of the man irritates me. I would not have expected him. It is C515. His mouth twists into a smile.

  I can no longer hold back and I fall upon his chest. Loud sobs penetrate from my mouth. To see a smile in the safety zone overwhelmed me. I had no hope of seeing him or Zoe ever again. I had given up and then what? He stands before me and smiles. Where did he learn how to smile? I always knew he was different, but I had no idea how much.

  He pushes me off his chest determinedly and looks into my eyes. “Meet me at three o’clock in front of the sickbay.”

  I do not understand his words. Why? But before I could ask, C515 leaves. What happened to him? Why is he smiling? Is he the rebel’s contact? Was he ever one of them? Was he a rebel long before I ever knew about them? I grew up with C515, how can it be that he knows so much more than I?

  03. FAKE FRIEND

  While working in the food allocation division, not a minute passes without a glance to the clock. I cannot wait to see C515. Why does he want to meet in front of the sickbay? Does he want to show me something?

  Just the thought of him makes my mind race. Why did he make me wait so long? Perhaps he could not have picked a better time to come into my life. He seems like a bright spot in the darkness. Finally, I am no longer alone. Maybe he can tell me about Iris and the others.

  At 2:55 I get out of my chair and march toward D375. Impatiently he raises his eyes at me and suspects something bad.

  “What do you want?” He asks me harshly.

  “I need to go to the toilet.”

  “It’s not the right time for it.”

  He has furrowed his brow so that his eyebrows are almost touching one another.

  “I have to go anyway, I can feel it.”

  “I’ll have to report you to the Legion commanders. Your behavior is striking and alarming.”

  “Then report me. This does not change the fact that I now have to use the toilet.” I reply impatiently.

  He seems unsure of what to do next. My unexpected behavior challenges his authority. The other workers in the room are already giving us looks. They’re afraid of me.

  “Then go to the toilet. If you’re not back in five minutes, I’ll call the guards.”

  Without considering him further, I press the scanner at the door, it says, “Unplanned leaving the workplace. Confirmation requested.”

  I bite my lip, annoyed with D375. He walks next to me. “I am the head of this department. You are under my supervision,” he says and puts his finger on the scanner.

  At that moment I realize I was wrong. People do still have feelings. The department manager clearly perceived triumph. He is proud of his position.

  “Confirmation granted,” the computer voice says as the steel doors slide aside. I step out into the hall in a hurry and hear D375 call after me, “Five minutes.”

  I quickly run to the sickbay. I hope I’m not too late. When I arrive at the green door, C515 is nowhere to be seen. Is something wrong? Panicked, I look around. What if he does not come? If I stay longer than five minutes, the head of the department will call the guards and they will lock me away. Then I will have no way to talk to C515. I need to know what he wanted to tell me. Suddenly I hear a noise behind me from inside the sickbay. Frightened, I stand at the door and think about what to do now. If someone other than C515 steps out and seems me standing there in my brown suit, they will want to know what I am doing there. What shall I say? The excuse of needing to use the toilet will only cause a stir. We follow a schedule. Everything in our lives is planned, even going to the toilet. I quickly run and hide down the corridor. I hear the sickbay door slide open. I listen to the silence. I see no one.

  My heart skips a beat when I hear a small voice, “D518?”

  I leave my hiding place and rush at C515. It was he who just exited the sickbay.

>   “I was scared you wouldn’t come.”

  “We do not have much time,” he urges. He reopens the sickbay door with his fingerprint on the scanner. He is in a hurry.

  “For what?”

  “Zoe wants to see you.”

  “She’s here?” I exclaim delightedly. C515 looks back at me, panic in his face.

  “Not so loud,” he hisses, looking around anxiously.

  I am so happy that I cannot stop smiling. Of course we are all still prisoners of the Legion. But with Zoe and C515 there is hope. However the days of uncertainty are still heavy on my heart.

  “Why did you wait so long to contact me? I thought you had abandoned me,” I confess while I follow him through the narrow and winding passages of the sickbay. Abruptly, he stops and turns around to face me.

  “I’m not a rebel.” His words are clear, but there is also something apologetic in them. “I keep an eye on things for Zoe.”

  While this explains how he knows of Zoe and myself, but not his behavior. When did he decide to help Zoe? He was probably not supposed to speak to her, but I can well imagine that he could not obey this rule for long. I know I couldn’t. For people like us who have never experienced a kind word or a simple smile, when we come across a being like Zoe, bursting with life, we find them fascinating. I suppose he found her charm as intoxicating as I did.

  We stop in front of one of the many steel doors and C515 raps his knuckles against it. Two short strokes and one long. That must be the agreed upon signal.

  “Clyde?” Zoe’s voice questions from inside. I catch an irritated look on C515.

  “It’s a name she gave me,” he says with a shrug. “I’m here,” he hisses.

  “Is she there?” Zoe wants to know from the inside. He voice sounds shy. In the weeks and months with the rebels, I felt so close to her. Through the stories of others and especially Finn, she was always part of the group, even if she were not there. I looked at her as a friend, although we spent so little time together in the safety zone.

  I clear my throat, embarrassed. “Finn is doing well.”

  It remains quiet behind the door and I feel the urge to take her into my arms. She must be missing human contact in this cold place. I grew up without feelings, yet my heart aches with longing.

  “He missed you,” I add. I think I hear a sob from her cell.

  “Can you open the door?” I urge C515, who is now called Clyde.

  He shakes his head apologetically. “Only doctors and Legion commanders can open this door.”

  “Why are you here again?” I hear quietly from inside the cell.

  “I have a mission to fulfill, I—“

  She interrupts me harshly. “You gave up your freedom to serve a mission? You are stupid!”

  Her voice is agitated and angry. I can imagine how she blankly stares at the door from her side. I did not expect this reaction. I thought she would stand behind me. Instead she condemns me. Did she think it was an easy decision to leave the rebels? To leave Iris alone? To separate from Finn? But she knows nothing of these things. I would like to tell her everything, but in this moment a Legion commander appears in the hallway. The commander walks straight toward Clyde and me. Their footsteps make so little noise they are barely noticeable. Therefore, we heard them too late. Panicked, I look to Clyde, but he seems just as clueless as I am.

  When the Legion commander stops in front of us, I recognize her. It is A350. Rather than arrest us or ask what we are doing, she gives Clyde a benevolent gaze.

  “Good work, C515. You have successfully detained D518; I will take over from here.”

  Both Clyde and I stare at her in disbelief. Are you serious?

  “Follow me,” she tells me and I march down the hall after her in a hurry. I have no choice as she is a Legion commander. Does she really think that Clyde has caught me? How did she know to find me in the sickbay? She was unusually emotional at our last meeting. Is she hiding something? Is she perhaps more than she pretends to be?

  She stops in front of one of the many doors. It is one of the few that cannot be opened with a scanner, but rather with an old-fashioned key. It is one of a few such doors in the Legion.

  She opens the door and we walk through. When the door slams shut behind us, I look around the small room. It is a kind of treatment room with a desk, two chairs, and a couch. From the ceiling hangs a light bulb, probably the last light bulb in the entire safety zone. But something else strikes me. There are no cameras. I look at A350. He mouth is pinched to an angry line.

  “Do not think I don’t know what’s going on.”

  My throat suddenly feels dry. But the angry look in A350s eyes is somewhat milder. "But maybe you should know something about the people for whom you are willing to put your life at risk."

  I am not exactly sure who she is speaking about. Zoe? The rebels? How much do they really know?

  A350 comes around the desk and pulls a mobile monitor out of the drawer. When she touches the screen, a bluish light illuminates the small room. Before her, many small cubes appear in 3D. They seem so real, almost like you could reach out and touch them.

  “You may not remember it, but you were not the only one who was kidnapped by the outcasts.

  I remember very well. Not only Iris and myself, but also D276, D456, and D389. I never learned what became of them. But I never asked either. I constantly pushed the thought away. Maybe I did not want to know.

  The Legion commander looks at me hesitantly for a moment, the taps a blue cube floating in the room. The boxes dissolve slowly and a new image takes their place.

  My breath escapes in pants. I recognize and can feel tears rise to my eyes. In a panic I shake my head. No, this cannot be true.

  In front of me are the corpses of the other three prisoners. Their brown suits are dirty and torn, they are still covered in the red sand of the caves. They have all been killed with a single shot to the head. Their eyes are open and staring lifelessly up to the sky. I want to see fear in their eyes, but there is none. For too long I’ve turned a blind eye to this. For too long have I repressed the thought of it.

  “This is what the outcasts do to the people they do not deem as being fit,” A350 explains. Her voice is soft and almost considerate. She looks at me seriously. But I cannot believe her words. Automatically I shake my head again. No, the rebels would not do this.

  “You do not believe me? What did you think happened to them? Did you ever once see them again during your captivity?”

  I am silent.

  “If the outcasts released them, they would be here now.”

  I start to think about her words. There was always the danger that the Legion would kill me as soon as they saw me in front of the gates. But nothing happened. They took me back in as though nothing had happened. They even left my memories intact. Why should they make an exception for me? I am nothing special for them. They proved that to me when they put me back in the food allocation division. To them, I’m just one of many. But to the rebels, I was something special. To them, Iris and I were different. We were the only ones to feel able, as the rebels pressed it. However, would they really kill the other abductees? When Finn met me at the beginning, there was hatred in his eyes. But now he loves me with all his heart. In the beginning, he could only see the Legion in me. The Legion who had killed his parents and abducted his sister. When we were trapped together in the pit, I knew that if I had fallen into it alone that he would have left me there. He would not come back to save me, as I did for him. There is nothing in Finn’s life that he hates more than the Legion. The sad truth is he would sacrifice every single inhabitant of the safety zone for the freedom of his family. To him, the people here are just soulless robots.

  “Do you really want to help those people? Those who would kidnap innocent people and hold them against their will and kill them? People who provoke a war without worrying about the losses? People who do not care how many innocent people die as long as they themselves live?”

  I know it’
s not true what she is saying about the rebels. Not all of them are like that. But nevertheless, there is a spark of truth in her words. To the rebels, the people in the safety zone did matter.

  Suddenly, A350 lays her hand on my arm. In her eyes I read compassion. “I will take you back to your service now, but think about my words. Another mistake on your part will be unacceptable.”

  When I fall out of bed early the next morning, the feeling of emptiness returns to my heart. C515 filled me with hope at being able to see Zoe again, but then the Legion commander destroyed this in one fell swoop. It was not even with her words, but the image of the murdered residents of the safety zone. Maybe I suspected the rebels murdered those three and never asked. Would I have been able to fall in love with Finn had I known? I was one of them. Maybe today I would be just as dead if I had remained steadfast. The rebels took advantage of my weakness.

  Suddenly the door of my room opens and a woman in a blue suit, the suit of the C-Class, the fighters, walks in.

  “Do you have a message for me?” She asks in flat voice.

  This is it. The rebel contact. But she comes too late.

  “No.”

  My answer visibly irritates her. “No? Do you not remember?”

  “However, I see more clearly now than ever before.”

  Questioningly she looks at me.

  “I was wrong. This is my home. I belong here.”

  She understands my words but does not want to accept them. “Are you sure this is the message that should be sent?”